


proselytizing

by displayheartcode



Category: Young Wizards - Diane Duane
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, Inspired By Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-25
Updated: 2016-09-25
Packaged: 2018-08-17 08:24:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8137169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/displayheartcode/pseuds/displayheartcode
Summary: A wizard, a bird, and God enter a neighborhood.





	

**Author's Note:**

> mshocklee on tumblr posted: 
> 
> *me, going door to door proselytizing for the YW series*
> 
> “EXCUSE ME, HAVE YOU HEARD OF OUR LORD AND SAVIORS PONCH AND PICCHU?!”
> 
>  
> 
> I have no excuse for writing this, but I do have two exams tomorrow.

Maybe it was the spectacular macaw sitting on my shoulder. 

Maybe it was the overly-friendly dog that refused to sit still. 

Maybe I was just born with it. 

The jury was still out when the fifth person that day slammed the door in my face after seeing my entourage and me. Peach cackled something near my ear, and Call-Me-Ponch padded down the concrete steps, already moving ahead to the next door. Even at a distance, I could see the movements behind their large kitchen window moving to a standstill. Nosey neighbors were predictable that way. 

I tugged on his leash, the condensed characters of the Speech flashed in the afternoon light. 

“Who knew the Almighty was such a people person?” I muttered.

“You better believe it!” the bird said in a gravel-and-rocks sort of voice. Years of being raised on _Disney_ movies had expected me to hear the sugary-sweet dulcet tones of adorable creatures, not the chain-smoking New York accents that my great-aunts had.

Everything was an adjustment at this point.

 _Come on_ , God—I mean—Ponch barked, still working single-mindedly on our task: Two animals that were not animals and a tired wizard asking around if anyone needed help with everyday tasks. _People could need us today!_ He walked back to me; and then nuzzled my bad leg with his wet nose. _Do I smell dog treats?_ He peered up at me with hopeful eyes. 

There was a Rabbinical joke somewhere about this. I turned my head to glare at the macaw. “I was having a perfectly normal day before you flew through my window.” 

“Weren’t we all?”

I brought a dog treat out of my pocket and broke it cleanly in half. “You get this if you work your adorable face on the next person.”

Ponch wined. _Must you let my joy be in the hands of human choices?_

“It’s why you gave them the Choice,” Peach reminded him. Or Him. Them? A part of my mind scrambled to remember those old lessons from Hebrew School about gender and the Torah.

Powers-in-a-Bucket, what were the right pronouns for a celestial figure whose existence was constantly questioned and philosophized by everyone in not just our universe? There were about sixty names in Judaism that I was familiar with, more in Speech, and I couldn’t decide on which one was the correct one to use.

Peach nipped at my ear. “Keep calm and carry on, young wizard!”

“This was not in the Oath,” I muttered. “I should know. I’d read the fine print on the damn thing.” We walked to the short driveway to the house on the left. It was an old colonial that needed a new coat of paint, but the flowers outside the windows were nice. 

Ponch happily dragged me to the front door. He wore the most adoring doggy grin that a mutt could have, and the door opened to reveal an elderly lady with a cat The woman had at least a decade on my oldest great-aunt, her cloud of white hair resembled more like the poisonous gasses on Venus than human cartilage. With her fuzzy pink sweater and large glasses, she was the quintessential picture of the Old Neighbor Next Door.

“Hi,” I chirped. “I’m just in the neighborhood wondering if you would like any assistance…”

My eyes fell on the cat she was holding. If Garfield had a love child with Satan, then this was that child. Burnt orange fur grew in patches, half an ear was missing, and those incisors were a throwback to the Ice Age.

My animal companions became silent. The fact that _Peach_ was silent was a bad thing alone.

“Um, Ma’am? Have you ever considered the thought that your cat is evil Itself?” I looked away from the Lone Power, unable to ignore the fissure of cold and fear that went down my spine. Peach had froze; but Ponch appeared strangely bored all of a sudden. He sat down by my feet, his stare not leaving It.

The woman readjusted her hearing aide. She blinked owlishly a few times before pushing her glasses up her nose. “What was that, dearie?”

I sighed.

“Peach, hold this.” I handed the macaw the glowing dog leash. I rolled up my jacket sleeves, fixing the Lone Power’s fuzzy avatar with a glare. “Please put your cat down, Ma’am. I need to fight it.” 

The Lone Power hissed, bearing sharp teeth.

“Come at me, you glorified furry.” I silently recited the first part of a spell, power gathering in my upturned hands. “Fairest and fallen, greetings and—“ 

But It leaped from the woman’s arms and bolted down the street in a tangle of sharp claws and high-pitched ‘ _yeowls’_. The woman screamed. I screamed. Peach squawked. 

“What are you doing?” I told Ponch. I pointed at the vanishing figure of the Lone Power. “You’re a dog, go chase It!”

 _You’re a wizard, you go chase It._ He sniffed the trembling leg of the elderly woman. _Dora needs me right now._  

“Go!” screeched Peach. She dug her sharp talons into my shoulder, dropping the leash to the ground. “Evil is afoot!” She let out another cry and flew upwards. Her incredible wings appeared almost glowing in the sky. “This way to battle!”

The spell solidified as a sword in my hands. The hilt hummed with power, and the blade made from sunlight and steel crackled with ozone. "Let’s do this,” I said and ran down the street, shouting after the cat while waving the sword in the air. “I’m on Errantry, fuzzball! Come back and fight me!”


End file.
